Thoughts and prayers are not enough. That's why we need the Thoughts and Prayers Act.

As far as I can tell, the term “thoughts and prayers” has roots in American politics dating to at least the 1950s when Harry Truman said it about people dying in the Korean War. I’m sure it was said between then and the late-20th century by a lot of people, like when the Bills lost four Super Bowls in a row or when someone you know had to program a VCR in 1982, but it wasn’t until 1999 when it became the go-to politician phrase after mass shootings.

That’s when Columbine happened. According to the Washington Post, there have been 434 school shootings since 1999, this despite thoughts and prayers being sent by politicians and a lot of other people. As for mass shootings in the 21st century, numbers vary depending on the source. One has it around 350 and rising in recent years. Another drills down further and says there were north of 100 public mass shootings between 2000 and 2022. Another puts the overall number in the thousands. Of course, the numbers are much higher in the U.S. compared to other developed countries (Are we really “developed” though?) when it comes to mass shootings.

Not every mass shooting is the same but you can be sure that once they were reported, politicians sent thoughts and prayers.

Now, some people will tell you that thoughts and prayers are really only helpful if they come with some sort of action, like changes to gun laws. Assault weapon bans. More stringent background checks. Laws that allow firearms to be taken from owners if a person is believed to be a danger to themselves or others. Raising the federal minimum age for purchasing all guns from 18 to 21 (the NYT reported in 2022 that 6 of the 9 deadliest mass shootings in the U.S. since 2018 were carried about by people 21 or younger). Passing more laws that require guns to be stored safely. Doing more to stop the trafficking of untraceable ghost guns. Putting serial numbers on 3-D printed guns. Not allowing people on terrorism watch lists to buy guns. Keeping guns out of the hands of domestic abusers.

Or maybe you’re a “this is less about access to guns and more about mental health” person. Fair enough. Mental health can play a role, sure. So you’re probably furious about budget cuts to mental health services in the U.S. that are on the way and what they could mean for this issue. Thank you for mentioning it.

While new laws and better mental health services seem like sound ideas that would logically improve things, it is my contention that we are simply not sending enough thoughts and prayers to those who need them.

Since some of our most intelligent, incorruptible politicians have decided that thoughts and prayers are better than stricter gun laws, I am proposing my Thoughts and Prayers Act to end mass gun violence forever in the U.S. through a more focused thoughts and prayers policy.

1. Thoughts and Prayers Requirements

   - With this simple piece of bipartisan legislation, all citizens will be required to set aside 30 minutes per day to send thoughts and prayers to people of their choosing. We will install Thoughts And Prayers Booths in public spaces, government offices and most off-track betting sites. Anyone found not complying will be sentenced to 30 days of community service (sending thoughts and prayers from the side of a highway).

2. A Strategic Thoughts and Prayers Stockpile

   - Since there’s a mass shooting just about every other day, we need to set up a thoughts and prayers reserve so that we can be proactive when they are most needed. What if an elected official is on a vacation paid for by the NRA and can’t get to a camera or social media account to offer immediate thoughts and prayers following a mass shooting? Boom, we tap the thoughts and prayers stockpile so that politician can go back to their cracked crab and mojitos.

3. Streamlining thoughts and prayers delivery

   - When we send our thoughts and prayers, how are we sending them? And to where? Individuals? Groups? Cities? The lack of thoughts and prayers delivery coordination may be a problem, which is why I will make Amazon our exclusive thoughts and prayers delivery partner. All thoughts and prayers will be shipped through Amazon warehouses and you will receive peace of mind when Amazon emails you a picture of where your thoughts and prayers were delivered.

4. A Yearly Thoughts and Prayers Telethon

   - All of our biggest celebrities will perform a three-hour show. It will air on every network and streamer, even Tubi. We will post the 1-800-Tees-n-Pees phone number and allow you to call in and donate your tax deductible thoughts and prayers and receive a complimentary tote bag from telethon sponsor Palantir.

5. Studying the Thoughts and Prayers balance

   - Finally, a study will be commissioned to see if we’re sending too many prayers and not enough thoughts, or too many thoughts and not enough prayers. Without proper balance, we may be sending nourishing thoughts to people desperate for anyone to change the gun laws to offer even a slightly lesser chance of this happening again like how are we still dealing with this same shit in 2025 the Year Of Our Intense Malaise And Disappointment prayers and vice versa. Perhaps if we can determine the proper balance to thoughts and prayers, we can end mass shootings.

This will be expensive but aren’t thoughts and prayers worth it?