The Worst Couple
A future imagining of a relationship and brand activations
This is the story of Mike and Brenda, two people who you may meet someday — two people you may already know. They will become part of your friend group, your couple group, your lifelong friend/couple group. You won’t be able to escape them.
It will begin in 2025 or 2026, when a new show starring Jimmy Fallon called “On Brand” debuts. The reality competition series, where Fallon and his team of marketers “will write jingles, build activations and produce commercials while gaining ‘unprecedented’ access to the businesses,” will be this couple’s favorite show for 50 years. You might be friends with Mike because of Brenda. You might be friends with Brenda because of Mike. But either way, Jimmy and his team of marketers will be part of your life forever.
Here’s how it happens.
[On Brand premieres tonight. Mike and Brenda have been on three dates but nothing has happened yet. Mike really likes Brenda and doesn’t want to blow it. Mike sees a commercial for On Brand where Jimmy plays a kazoo for the CEO of Raytheon. Mike has an idea.]
“Hey — I had a great time the other night. I know this is sort of last second, but if you’re not doing anything tonight, maybe you can come over and I can make you dinner and we can watch Jimmy Fallon build activations for some of the world’s top businesses?”
Brenda responds.
“Ummmm let me check.”
But she’s not checking. Oh no. None of her friends want to watch On Brand, as they don’t care about or understand the excitement of televised brand activations. She’s texting the group to let them know she may have found The One.
“omg he wants to watch on brand with me at his place lol”
The responses pour in.
“What?”
“Huh?”
“Don’t go.”
“You haven’t been the same since the dodgeball concussion.”
Brenda texts Mike back: “Sounds good!”
Mike breathes a sigh of relief and looks up a Guy Fieri recipe for mac and cheese burrito bowls. Brenda packs an overnight bag, hops on a train to Long Island and, just like that, a relationship is born. Out of respect for the show, they don’t have sex until after the credits.
[It’s one year later. Mike and Brenda are a committed couple. They are at a restaurant with two other couples making small talk before their food comes out.]
Everyone is in a lively discussion about Severance. Oh, and how about the finale of The Last of Us? Wow! And just then, Mike interrupts.
“Speaking of great television shows, did anyone catch last night’s On Brand starring Jimmy Fallon?”
Everyone mutters a tense no, fully aware that the conversation has been hijacked. Brenda’s eyes light up.
“So Brenda and I could not believe some of these brand activations being built for Tesla. You know how everyone thinks Elon Musk is a Nazi? Jimmy and his team pitched him a brand activation designed to shift the focus away from that.”
Brenda picks up the story. It feels like they rehearsed this.
“So thanks to this unprecedented access to the business, they got to pitch Elon in a Tesla board room while he slept at the table. Do you want to tell them the slogan, honey?”
“No no, you say Jimmy slogans so much better than me.”
They kiss. One of their friends throws up.
“The slogan is … They Did Not See Tesla Coming. Get it? They took Nazi and changed it to Not See. ”
“Actually, it’s more of a jingle where Jimmy plays the kazoo.”
“Don’t undermine me about On Brand in front of our friends.”
“I’m sorry.”
They start singing the jingle in silly voices and making kazoo sound effects. A waiter has been waiting to put the food down for five minutes.
Brenda’s best friend since childhood, Irene, receives a call and finds out her mother died in a car accident.
“I hope it wasn’t a Tesla,” says Brenda as she eats a chicken finger.
[Two weeks later, Mike drops a YouTube link into the group chat. “Two Brands, One Cup: On Brand Helps Russell Brand Sell Cup Of Christ Replica.” Irene removes herself from the chat. Brenda immediately adds her back.]
[It’s 2075. It’s the 50th anniversary season of On Brand. The show has become responsible for 97% of the world’s marketing. It has spearheaded the successful brand activations for OpenAI Cop Drones, North Korea’s Olympic Pickleball Team and Shen Yun: We’re Back. Mike and Brenda’s only social circle is four lifelike Jimmy Fallon robots that feed off brand activation pitches, as their friends have either died or faked their deaths.]
Lying in bed, dying of old age and brainrot so severe that CDC head Jake Paul required their home to be quarantined, Mike and Brenda find the strength to pitch one more brand activation idea to the Fallon robots surrounding them.
“Space prisons for the poor.”
Mike and Brenda drift off into eternity as the Fallon robots serenade them with the theme song to MrBeast’s “Beast Wars” on the kazoo.