Setting the record straight with Bill Belichick
Bill Belichick and Jordon Hudson are two people in love. That upsets some. Specifically, the haters who have never felt a connection like the one they have. Everyone is skeptical that Bill, a 73-year-old man who was born before we walked on the moon, and Jordon, a 24-year-old woman who was born after SpongeBob Squarepants debuted, are somehow not pure of heart, not torn from the pages of a Nicholas Sparks novel.
After that CBS hit piece on America’s sweethearts, I sat down with Bill and Jordon to set the record straight and show they have nothing to hide.
DS: Let’s get it out of the way—where does a man like you meet someone in their 20s?
[Bill timidly looks over at Jordon. Jordon nods.]
Bill: Vape juice store.
DS: What?
Bill: Vape juice store.
DS: Really?
Bill: Yep. It’s where people who vape get their vape juices, and that’s not according to Google AI results I recently memorized. Strawmelon Bubble Gum. Kiwi Carrot Blast. I drink them daily. We both reached for the last Keep It 100 Fusion Ejuice — my favorite — and our hands touched and that’s when the real juices started flowing.
DS: I think you’re making this up.
Bill: I’m being deadass cap.
DS: What?
Bill: She slayed, I served and the rest was bussin.
[Jordon loudly takes a FaceTime call and goes outside, leaving me and Bill alone]
Bill: Please help me.
DS: What?
Bill: I’m so tired. I just want to watch game film of Georgia Tech-Pitt from 2023 and cut the sleeves off my new UNC hoodies but she’s got me going to live DJ shows in abandoned warehouses at 3 am on weeknights. What is a Skrillex? I haven’t seen an NCIS episode in three years. Is Mark Harmon back?
DS: Just end it. You’re not married.
Bill: She’s my soulmate.
DS: Bill.
Bill: We have a deep connection.
DS: William.
Bill: Fine, the sex is incredible. The way my entire body quivers when I—
DS: Nope, no thank you. Look, the way I see it, you have to decide what’s more important to you. Sex with a 24-year-old you met at a vape juice store…
Bill: Can you have a midlife crisis in your 70s?
DS: Or do you want to go 9-3 in the ACC and lose to Ohio State in the playoffs? It’s one or the other. Opener against TCU is five months away.
[Bill is frozen, it’s the decision of his life]
Bill: We’re on to TCU.
[We fake Bill’s death. Jordon comes back inside and finds him sprawled on the floor motionless, covered in vape juice. She has no reaction.]
DS: Yep, Bill died. Vape juice overdose. I thought you’d be more upset.
Jordon: I was just about to break up with him.
DS: Really?
Jordon: Yeah, while I was outside, I met Dick Vermeil.