Help! It's 2037 and I can't decide on my new mobile plan!
Ugh. Greetings from 2037. The future sucks. My current cell phone provider — Mr. Beast Mobile — recently went out of business when Mr. Beast was convicted of 42 counts of murder. His YouTube video, “Escape From A Porta Potty On The Moon And Win Your Citizenship,” resulted in all 42 contestants dying from extreme diarrhea caused by contaminated Mr. Beast Protein Bars. It remains to be seen who will replace Mr. Beast in the Senate, which is now sponsored by Hims.
But now, I need a new cell phone provider. If you’re reading this in 2025 — sorry you are still there but it only gets worse — you are at ground zero for the Celebrity Mobile Provider Revolution, when movie stars, television actors and sitting Presidents launched their own mobile companies. By 2030, giants like T-Mobile, AT&T and Verizon were swallowed up by Jake Paul Mobile, Joe Rogan Mobile and Minions Mobile (Minions were brought to life by AI in 2028 and are incredible at business). There are also smaller Celebrity Mobile companies that are more affordable and the only ones in my price range. I have been unemployed since 2034 due to AI being better than me at everything I do well (writing, editing, Christopher Walken impressions, seeing someone in a movie and being like, “Hey, wasn’t that person on Seinfeld?”) I’ve been selling feet pics for $3 each through DoorDash so I can eat, so not everything has changed.
I’ve narrowed it down to four providers. Happy to hear which one you think is best.
Mark Wahlberg Mobile ($29.99 per month, 10 GB data): Price seems right, but you have to say a prayer into a voice note before every text, which really eats up that data plan. Customer support isn’t great. They put you on hold and make you listen to all his dialogue from Spenser Confidential before an agent says the issues can be resolved by staying prayed up. Your phone only works inside a Wahlburgers.
Stephen A. Smith Mobile ($39.99 per month, 20GB data): Solitaire comes built-in to every SAS device (that joke is old as hell in 2037 but very timely in 2025 if my memory serves). If you use FaceTime, you have to have a 30 minute shouting match with the other person about Dak Prescott or your service is cancelled.
Elizabeth Holmes Mobile ($49.99 per month, 8 pints of data): She’s out of prison and has created the first mobile plan that runs on your blood. Instead of shoving coins into a pay phone, you have to prick your finger and drip your blood into the phone to make it work. She launched this two years ago and, you guessed it, there’s blood everywhere. Office desks, bars, restaurants, bathroom floors. What’s been the response to this? Oh, negative. That joke is a universal groaner!
Hooters Mobile ($54.99 per month, 30 GB data): Honestly, this is where I’m leaning. The saleswoman said I was cute, touched my arm, laughed really hard when I made an apps/appetizers joke. “Does this phone come with apps? Because I love chicken wings.” Wait. That joke sucks. She doesn’t really think I’m cute, does she? Shit, I already paid for a two-year contract and I’m covered in buffalo sauce. OK, this doesn’t matter. Hooters Mobile will be out of business in a few weeks anyway.
Hang on! Great news! Just got word that President Eric Trump pardoned Mr. Beast so my cell phone service should be working again soon.