Dave's Substack's Guide To Answering Tough Questions At Thanksgiving Dinner
You thought about making up an excuse. You thought about faking your death. But unfortunately, you could not figure out a way to avoid having Thanksgiving dinner with your family. Resigned to your fate, you have now turned your attention to all the questions that will come your way about your personal and professional life, not to mention all the uncomfortable conversations about what’s happening in the news.
Like a good defense attorney, I am here to give you all the questions and statements headed your way, along with the answers that will shut down the prosecution (your blood relatives) and impress the jury (the pet dogs). So feel free to have this queued up before the turkey is carved, because you know they are coming.
“Did you know mashed potatoes are woke?”
“Yes.” (You did not know that but it’s easier to agree, and trying to figure out what makes them woke while you eat will make dinner go quicker.)
“Did you see the latest episode of NCIS: Origins?”
“Yes.” (You did not see it but it’s easier to agree, and trying to figure out what NCIS: Origins is while you eat will make dinner go quicker.)
“How’s the job hunt going?”
“Not well. Because of woke.” (It’s not because of woke. It’s because every entry-level job requires a graduate degree and 11 rounds of interviews and you can’t make it through all of them without talking about the finale of The Penguin and complaining about how Oz escapes by turning into Jason Statham for 90 seconds despite having one good leg, a severe weight problem and a deep stomach wound. But that answer will get your unemployed uncles talking and the attention off you.)
“How’s your girlfriend/boyfriend?”
“We broke up because she/he liked mashed potatoes.” (Again, not true, but you’re just trying to deflect and survive. And they will accept that answer more quickly than the truth, which is she/he never existed in the first place and you panicked and made them up last Thanksgiving and all the photos together you’ve been sharing have been AI-generated and you can no longer afford the subscription level that makes the realistic AI photos of you on vacation together.)
“Tariffs are going to be great for America, aren’t they?”
“Yes.” (While we both know no one in your family understands how tariffs work, you either understand them thoroughly and could never explain them to your family in a way they would understand, or, and let’s be honest, you probably don’t understand them either. It’s an argument you can’t win. Depending on how chaotic your feeling, you could lie and say they will drive up the price of something your dad loves (leaf blowers and steak) just to see him lose his mind for a few minutes.)
“I can’t wait to watch football.”
“Can’t we watch the Caitlin Clark documentary instead?” (You don’t even want to watch it and, as a matter of fact, you’re not even sure if one exists. But sometimes you need to go on the attack and have a little fun for yourself.)
“Have you seen this meme?”
“No.” (Of course you have, but not everything has to be a fight.)
“Let’s all go around the table and name our favorite Supreme Court justice and what we love most about them.”
“I’m thinking about buying a Cybertruck.” (OK, this topic won’t be a thing, but if any topics that aren’t mentioned here come up, “I’m thinking about buying Cybertruck” is an instant subject-changer. They will have so many follow-up questions that will take you through dessert. Say things like “I love how it’s pointier than regular cars.” Keep it in your back pocket in case you’re asked about having kids, buying a house or why you have so many tattoos.)
“Oh look, it’s that woke mashed potato commercial again.”
“Huh.” (It’s actually a commercial for Keebler cookies and it only leaves you with more questions.)